January 17, 2010
Grace Church
Rev. Robert E. Hensley

Isaiah 62:1-5, Psalm 36:5-10; 1 Corinthians 12:1-11; John 2:1-11

Let us pray.  “O God, you have so consecrated the covenant of marriage that in it is represented the spiritual unity between Christ and his Church:  Send therefore your blessing upon these your servants, that they may so love, honor, and cherish each other in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness, that their home may be a haven of blessing and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever.  Amen.  (Concluding blessing from the Marriage rite, BCP, p. 431.) 

      I came across this old story while working on my homily for this morning.  Definitely in the “Oldie but Goodie” category. 

      A minister was driving down to New York to see a show, and he was stopped somewhere in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper that pulled him over smells alcohol on his breath, and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” 

      And the minister says, “Just water.” 

      The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” 

      And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, he’s done it again!” 

      The last time this gospel story came around three years ago I preached about Jesus’ first miracle, which is also recounted in the opening lines of our Marriage Rite (BCP, p. 423).  However this time I want to talk about what happens when all of the good wine that is the marriage turns sour.  You may recall that while teaching in the temple, Jesus is asked about marriage in the resurrection. Our text from John’s gospel this morning focuses on the Sadducees' view of the resurrection, which they denied. In this exchange, they base their objection on the customary view of marriage in which two people are made one flesh. The following material focuses on the marital bond, rather than on the issue of resurrection.  But while the Sadducees are wondering about marriage in the hereafter, we are more concerned about how to keep a marriage alive in the here-and-now. 

      There is lots of space devoted in the press about marriage and cohabitation these days. While this is true, there are two facts that leap out at the reader: Cohabitation is up. Divorce is up, particularly in the Bible states of Oklahoma, Mississippi, Louisiana and others. 

      And there are certain circumstances in which we expect divorce. Particularly in situations of abuse, adultery, and abandonment. And most of those who have divorced wish they were able to keep the promises they made. But broken promises are a part of the human condition, and it is in that condition that God still loves us and extends love and grace. 

      But abuse and abandonment alone cannot account for the epidemic of failed marriages, unless, of course, we are a nation of spouse-beating, cheating, deadbeat criminals.  Perhaps getting into a marriage is too easy. Then again, maybe getting out of a marriage is too easy, too. 

      Remember when the norm for marriage used to be a mom and a dad, a boy named Dick, a girl named Jane, a white picket fence, a dog named Spot, and a kitten named Puff.  That was marriage; that was family life. 

Remember the old rhyme that some of you might have sung while jumping rope as a child? 

Bob and Mary, sitting in a tree, 
K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
First comes love, then comes marriage, 
Then comes Mary with the baby carriage. 

      Not anymore! Today it goes this way:

       
Kyle and Jena, sitting in a tree, 
K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
First comes love, Then comes cohabitation, 
Then comes a baby, Then comes marriage, and separation, and poverty, 
and ... D-I-V-O-R-C-E. 

      Today, divorce is epidemic.  And "Las Vegas, Lost Wages," Nevada, is ground zero. One might almost expect this sad statistic in Vegas given the mythology of a quickie wedding in a neon-illuminated rent-a-chapel with witnesses the happy couple won't recognize ever again, officiated by and Elvis impersonator. 

      But Oklahoma tied for second place? Oklahoma is the middle of Middle America…the belt buckle of the Bible belt? 

      There must be something wrong with either the belt or the buckle, because the pants of the nuclear family aren't staying up too well any more.

      Oklahoma's overall divorce rate is roughly 50 percent above the national average. And Oklahomans are neither happy with that, nor proud of it. Yet in certain counties the rate is incredible. In Oklahoma County from 1989 through 1997, the 62,774 marriage licenses issued were exceeded by 65,373 divorce petitions.  If this pace keeps up, Oklahoma will truly end up as the land of the free and the home of the brave, only "free" will mean that everyone's available. 

      There is the inevitable talk in Oklahoma of blaming high divorce figures on the immature age of couples being married in rural locations. There's a suggestion that folks plain don't know that marriage takes work and stick-to-it-ness, so young couples split at the first trouble. Others blame a lax church. Some point to state divorce laws and judges. Fingers get pointed at lawyers, too. 

      Nowadays legislators in several states are trying to bring the divorce rates down by passing new marriage legislation, because divorce has become a serious social problem, and an expensive one, because poverty, crime and increasing welfare rolls follow right behind rising divorce rates. And, as always, women and children fare poorly and suffer the most when a couple divorces. 

      All married persons need to know and remember that marriage is God's gift to them, designed to be a source of joy not hardship. No, it often isn't easy bringing individuals of different minds, backgrounds and perspectives together. But while our similarities draw us close, it is our differences that help us to grow.  

      After all, troubled marriages are as old as humanity itself. Adam and Eve started out okay but their marriage floundered fast. Abraham and Sarah had plenty of marital problems! Relatives, finances and their desire to raise a family caused no end of stress.  
Mary and Joseph had a rough go of it from time to time. Before they could even say mazel tov, their marriage was in trouble. Scripture tells us that Joseph was about to divorce Mary (she was pregnant and he knew he wasn't the father) until an angel intervened. Sharp words were no doubt flying on the family camel as Mary and Joseph made a U-turn for Jerusalem when they realized the kid was not in the back seat as they thought. 

      Much later, Jesus is asked about marriage in the resurrection. Whose wife will she be? Husband number one, number two, number three...?  He didn't say so, but you've got to wonder. What kind of waste of time is this? The resurrection? Why are we worrying about marriage in the hereafter, when keeping a marriage together in the now is much more problematic! 

      Perhaps divorce laws in most states are too lax, divorces too easy to obtain.  Maybe entering a marriage is easier than it ought to be. Perhaps churches and clergy ought to take a more serious approach with young starry-eyed couples, encouraging them to work diligently before the wedding on marriage skills, so that after the happy day, they stand a better chance of standing shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand, "until death do us part." 

      The church needs to work harder at assisting couples to strengthen their marriages and to tighten the bonds of love that keep them together. Perhaps couples should adopt rules of a covenant marriage.  Perhaps an older couple might mentor a young couple on how they faced trouble, and what they did to solve it and stay together. 

      Or perhaps we need to recover the meaning of marriage, as Frederick Niedner did. He writes: "I believe I have witnessed the moment when marital glory reveals itself. It appeared during the dark of night in a dining room converted temporarily into a hospice center. My father lay in a bed there, dying, while I spent nights on a couch nearby and kept watch.  

      "Several times in that last week I awakened to see my mother standing over Dad in the dim light. She hadn't risen from sleep to perform some ministration. She simply stood for long minutes looking tenderly down at this sleeping man with whom she had shared more than half a century.  "I closed my eyes and kept still. Children aren't supposed to watch their parents' most intimate moments. But I wondered.  "What filled Mom's mind and heart as she pondered the face, the body, the person with whom she had spent her life? The whole of their life together, I think. The full weight and glory of their marriage now became clear. All they would be together in time and space, the gift they could offer the world as one flesh, had grown to fullness and been offered up. All that remained was to let it rest in God's hands." 

      And that’s exactly where a marriage, whether between opposite sex or same sex couples in the here and now should always be – in God's hands.  Amen. 


Sources:

       
Crary, David. "Oklahoma buckling down on divorce - State rate among nation's highest." The Oklahoman, November 12, 1999.

       
Editorial, "Strengthening marriages - Oklahoma depends on their survival." The Oklahoman, March 29, 2001. 

Klinka, Karen. "D-I-V-O-R-C-E - State's breakup rate tied for 2nd in U.S." The Oklahoman, September 24, 1999.